


Things I like

by MakennaSweets1967



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28980753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakennaSweets1967/pseuds/MakennaSweets1967
Summary: While doing the laundry Dean finds a list in Castiel’s room. A list of all the things he likes about one man. Sam. Cue jealousy and drinking a whole lot of drinking.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, but not really - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 125





	Things I like

**Author's Note:**

> I just realized some people have others read their work before posting it. Sorry I don’t. My anxiety doesn’t allow me to be built like that to make friends. I do read over my own stuff and edit it a few times though.

Dean steps into Cas’s room bobbing his head to the classic rock music coming from his Walkman. Everything has been calm lately, in the hunting department that is.

”Cas,” he calls into the room dedicated to their resident angel, finding it empty. Dean steps in regardless, intending to collect whatever clothing Cas may have, though recently he hasn’t noticed him changing outfits much. Sticking to his ‘holy tax account’ shtick. Which makes since considering Angels don’t need to do those things. Dean knows though often Cas enjoys the luxury of certain more human things, such as a enjoying a warm shower or changing his clothing. 

Scanning the room he notices it’s fairly spotless aside for the few items here and there that are so clearly Cas décor, and a stray shirt he loads into the basket. But what captures Dean’s attention is the journal sitting open on his desk. 

Dean can't help but look at it. Call it friendly curiosity. It is Cas’s neat handwriting scribbled down onto the page. The top reads ‘Things I like about him’ Dean is properly intrigued now.

The title is framed by two hearts on either side. Such an odd thing from an angel, something so juvenile and so entirely human. Dean stops to wonder if he copied the move from a movie he had watched during his time on earth. Probably. 

Cas likes somebody, a guy somebody. Dean sucks in a breath. His moral compass going out the window. 

Is Cas talking about Dean? Does he want him to be?

Though it isn't right to invade Cas’s privacy. Dean can't seem to stop himself from reading the list. 

The intense amount of fannel he wears

The way he would do anything for his brother

_The way he eats_

_How his eyes crinkle when he laughs_

_When he calls me Cas_

Anticipation builds in his chest along with hope. Theses could all be Dean. Just the thought that Cas could like him has his head spinning fuzzy with joy.

Cas might have a crush on him. Dean chuckles, okay maybe he has a crush on Cas too. A big, massive gay crush. Or maybe not gay but angelic crush. 

But he isn't sure, it is Cas his best friend. Of course, his vessel is attractive he has to admit. It’s more than that though it’s Castiel angel of the lord. The one who does that cute head tilt thing, always stands in Dean’s personal space, and the one that cares for humanity deep into his being that he would rebel against heaven for a single man.

That's when it hits him, two trains screeching to a halt only to crash into each other. He likes Cas. Hell, he’s in love with that dorky little dude. 

Of course, he is, maybe he was just too blind before, but now maybe there is a chance. An itty-bitty chance, his feelings can be reciprocated.

He keeps reading.

_How intelligent he is_

_His compassion during cases_

_The way he has changed me_

The last items on the list dismissive of a few smudges below indicating Cas isn’t finished.

When Dean reads the last ones his heart drops, the world freezing around him. He can't hear his music anymore over the pounding of his heart in his feet.

He clutches his stomach, letting out a strangled gasp. Dropping the book back in it’s original place as if he is Lucifer touching the bible.

Dean walks away like a zombie, the ground quicksand beneath his feet.

Out the door, into the garage, into baby. He leans his head against the steering wheel trying to gain some sort of composure.

He breathes in and out, Cas likes Sam.

Dean is not smart; he only has brawns not brains. He’s not compassionate, he’s an asshole. Maybe he has changed Castiel, but probably not. How could he? He’s not the poster boy for humanity, he’s just a killer. Not much better than the monsters he hunts. How could someone like him change an angel of the lord like Cas?

Shoving the key in the ignition, he peels out of the garage, hoping a drive will calm him. Settle the tears begging to rise. 

Of course, he would realize he likes Cas when he finds out the angel likes Sam. His own brother for Chuck’s sake. 

Some part of him screams to veer the car off the road into the tree beside him. But he doesn’t he keeps going. The shock of emotions still flooding his system.

Dean realizes he needs proof it is about Sam, maybe it is someone else. Not that it matters because it isn't Dean. But if it is his brother how is he supposed to live with it?

The car tires squeals as he whips around back to the bunker. 

\---

”Sammy, Cas” Dean yells walking into the bunker not even a few moments later, luckily, it’s about supper time.

”What” Sam questions looking away from the show he is watching. Cas’s favorite show, Doctor who.

Dean pauses glancing to where Cas is enthralled in the show on the opposite side of the couch. Of course, they would be together how naive could he get ”We are going to a diner, I ain’t cooking”

It wasn't a lie, he was too tired to cook after - everything. 

”Okay?” Sam states a bit skeptical. While Cas just nods, his ethereal blue eyes flicker over to Dean for a few seconds longer than necessary. Causing his heart to stutter in his chest. 

Dean has to remind himself that it means nothing. Cas likes Sam. He turns away from those blue eyes stomping out of the room. 

\----

The three of them arrive at the small diner in town. The waiter seating them at a four-person booth. Cas slides in beside Sam, across from Dean. 

Dean can practically feel his heart wrenching his chest. He grounds his teeth.

”What is wrong Dean, you always feel like cooking,” Cas asks cocking his head to the side, as he scans the menu. 

”Well not today” Dean snaps at Cas receiving a hurt look in return.

Sam clears his throat. Dean wants to apologize but he doesn't, it isn't in him tonight. No wonder Cas likes Sam he isn't emotional ticking time bomb. He is clearly the better man. 

”Anyways” Sam interrupts trying to ease the situation, Cas eagerly looks to Sam ”I found a new case”

Good Dean thinks, he desperately needs to gank something. Sam went on explaining the case, before Cas made a joke about it with his dead pan humor. That most likely wasn’t intended to be humor, but would normally make Dean throw his head back in laughter. This time however, he can't even bring himself to laugh as he watches Sam’s eyes crinkle in delight. Just how Cas described them. The list is about Sam.

Once getting their food Dean began to stew. Seeing Cas watch Sam eat. How they smiled and laughed with each other.

He angrily chews his food.

”I don't know Cas” Sam finishes his sentence.

Cas the nickname Dean gave him now betraying him. His anger diminishes, now just burnt ash.

He feels empty inside. Like he is going to be sick.

All this time he hadn’t realized he has been playing third wheel to the two of them. The way Cas kept eyeing him throughout the night clearly wanting to have some alone time with the other Winchester.

Sam he has to feel the same. He probably hasn’t said anything because Dean is always there, or worse he has and just is too afraid to tell Dean. Because of the way he always looks at Cas with googly eyes. 

Dean is certain if Famine were here, he would tell him he is already dead. Even as hungry as he is now for Cas’s affections.

Dean stands up from the booth leaving the two love birds to their own devices. Maybe if Dean left them alone, they would confess their feelings. He doesn’t want to be a third wheel anymore, crowding in on their time. 

”Goodnight” he mumbles to Sam and Cas, not caring about their worried expressions, “I’m going back home”

Cas starts to shuffle out of his seat, confused, because the three of them had just gotten their food. Before he can stand though, Dean pushes him back down, “No, no you two stay. Enjoy your meal, and… stuff. I just don’t feel up to it anymore, want to go home and sleep.”

“We’ll go with you then Dean you brought us here in the impala” Sam counters logically. Examining his brother.

“No” Dean says a little too quickly, he clears his throat, “Um no you guys stay. Call an uber or somethin’”

The two of them look at Dean not saying anything studying his every action. Dean however doesn’t look up, kicking his shoes against each other.

“What is wrong Dean” Cas asks for the second time tonight.

“Nothing, Jesus Cas can’t just let a man go home and sleep in peace” Dean snaps throwing up his arms before stomping out of the diner. Shoulders still hunched. Leaving behind a still very confused brother and angel as he peels out of the parking lot. Oh well he is doing this for them. They will thank him after their impromptu date, Dean thinks bitterly.

On his way to his home, he stops at a liquor store, buying more than his fair share of alcohol.

What? Don’t judge him. He just got his heart broken into a thousand pieces and he is going to have to watch his brother with the love of his goddamn life. He thinks he is entitled to one night of getting completely smashed. Tomorrow he can get over himself. Tomorrow he can be happy for his brother and his best friend. 

But tonight, he gets to be sad, upset, and completely fucking drunk. Just for one night.

When he gets back to the bunker. He storms into his room slamming his bedroom door shut behind him. Tossing the alcohol on his bed along with his body. Continuously thinking about Cas the way he smiled, how he got into Dean’s personal space. Every little detail. Another drink.

Cas, smiling for Sam. He drinks.

The date they are on right now. He drinks.

How they are probably confessing their shitty feelings over a milkshake with two straws right about now. He drinks.

The kiss their probably about to share. He drinks the rest of the bottle.

Cas likes Sam.

When his head starts to get loopy, he lets the tears run from his eyes. Between sniffles he drinks some more letting it all out.

Chugging more down, till he is practically putty. He stumbles over to the mirror in his room. Looking at his dazed and heartbroken reflection in the mirror.

He loves Cas.

Dean smashes his fist into the mirror, the pain in his hand numbing him. Everything still hurts.

But then it doesn't as his world is consumed by an array of black dots.

\------

”I’m worried about Dean” Cas states while Sam slides to the side of the booth Dean was previously on.

Sam nods a thoughtful expression cast over his face, “He was fine this morning I thought”

“I agree” Cas says, clasping his hands in front of himself over the dining table “I even saw him dancing around the house in his socks while listening to his Walkman. What do you think is wrong with him?”

Sam runs his fingers through his hair ”I don't know Cas. You know Dean sometimes he is just angry, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it so he takes it out on the people closest to him. But we aren’t going to fix it now. Not while he is like this lets just finish dinner and go back to the bunker. We can give him tonight.”

If Sam know anything about Dean, he knows Dean won’t express himself so quickly especially when he is in one of his moods. They will be lucky if Dean ever tells them what is going on. ‘No chick flick moments’ and all that.

”You're probably right we can ask him in the morning” Cas reasons, waving it off. Letting them get back to their meal. 

Though the angel hardly eats, while all graced up. Normally he would just steal a few fries from Dean. Or nibble on his food to appease said man who always likes feeding everyone. 

Cas couldn't help but worry throughout their entire meal. Dean seemed angry, but almost lost in some way. He knows hunting takes a toll on anyone; but this felt different.

Once they returned to the bunker, walking a short distance to ensure the uber driver wouldn’t know the location of their secret bunker. Mostly just because Sam didn’t want to worry the driver about dropping them off at a bunker. Cas steps into his room, and sits at the desk opening his journal. Cas looks over his list all about Dean.

Everything- he crossed out the word like replacing it with love - _everything I love about him_

That is what he is feeling he realizes it is more than comradery. More than friendship or a silly crush. It is human emotion, but also a feeling more powerful than human emotion; one that could be described by a word in enochian. A word he can’t seem to remember at the moment but the closest he can find in English is a profound bond - love.

Still even with all his knowledge of his feelings for the righteous man, he wrote these in the book that way Dean would never know. Dean could never push him away just because he didn't feel the same. Because ultimately, he never would, but that is okay. The point is Cas is in love; even if Dean never knows at least he has this. He has their friendship. 

_The thousands of freckles on his face_

_Those bowed legs_

_How he can always make me smile_

_Him caring enough to make me a mixtape_

_Every little thing about him from his bravery to the way he loves deeper than any human I have ever known_

Cas stops writing, his hand a little shaking at how much he loves this man. Falling for him in every way possible. He has to be sure Dean is okay. He can just watch over him tonight and be gone before Dean wakes up.

His quietly creeps to Dean’s room, noticing the light still on. He knocks on the door “Dean”

No response, Cas pushes the door open expecting to see the hunter asleep in the bed probably forgetting to turn off the light. 

Instead, he is met the pungent smell of alcohol invading his senses. Beer bottles littering the bed. Dean passed out on the floor surround by blood and glass. The mirror above him broken.

Cas lets out a gasp running to Dean’s side, his heart pounding erratically in his chest “Dean” 

He shouts the hunters name again, shaking him hard. Only relaxing slightly when he realizes the blood is just coming from his hand. Still, Dean is out. He hauls him onto the bed clearing off the bottles off with the snap of his fingers. 

Removing the hunter’s shoes and jacket from his passed out body. He gently tucks him under the covers careful not to slosh his head too much. 

Cas mojoes away the blood and glass from the floor. Leaving the room to look less like a war zone, though the mirror still sits broken in the corner. 

The bed sinks when Cas slumps down beside Dean. Taking his injured hand in his own.

He examines the spilt wounds oozing with blood, and Dean stirs. Trying to pull his hand away from the pain, but Cas doesn’t relent, gripping it tighter.

”Cas” Dean slurs his voice groggy with alcohol. Green eyes lidded and glossy, as if he had just finished crying. When Cas dumps a small amount of alcohol on the wound Dean springs up fully awake, almost bumping heads with Cas.

”Dean” Cas says a bit troubled, with a measured amount of anguish in his eyes. He just wants Dean to be happy ”What happened?”

The reason Dean is like this, floods back into his mind. Cas likes Sam. He frowns ”drank - t’much”

Cas stops looking at his hand, gazing into his eyes. Soulful blue eyes enchanting him. Maybe it is something about him being an angel that compels people to confess ”what is wrong Dean? Please tell me the truth this time.”

”It doesn’t matter Cas” Dean grumbles not meeting his eyes. Instead he looks at their intertwined hands. Feeling utterly ashamed and selfish. Here he is ruining yet another person’s life. Castiel is supposed to be out happy with Sam, but no Dean can’t even keep his emotions in check. They probably hate him for it too.

“It matters to me Dean” Cas says softly, tucking a finger beneath Dean’s jaw and pulling his face back up. A tender movement, Dean drunkenly leans into, “Please just tell me. What is wrong?”

The words are a bit firmer now. Pleading almost but still with softness and care. That Dean knows he doesn’t deserve. The way Cas is looking at him, sitting in his bed, feet away from his face. Their eyes staring into each other, the word just slips out of his mouth slicked up from the alcohol, “You”

Confusion illuminates the angel, Cas is confused most of the time here in the human world, but this is more. He tilts his head to the side. What did he do now? He thought they had already work through all the problems and tension that had been putting a strain on them.

”What” Cas sighs pressing his grace into the injury. Dean always finds a way to pin something on him.

Dean pulls his newly healed hand away, his head no longer foggy from the drunken state he had been in moments ago. He suspected he has the grace to thank for that too, ”I saw your journal”

Cas hitches his breath, warning sirens going off in his head. Dean knows. He is like this because Cas has a stupid crush on him.

He almost drank himself to death because he is upset with Cas liking him. And now here he is invading Dean’s personal space.

”I’m sorry” Cas hung his head in shame, letting go of Dean’s hand. Putting some distance between the two of them, ”I won't act on it I promise. We can still be friends; this doesn’t change anything. Please Dean don't push me away”

There is only fear consuming his mind, it's what he always feared Dean pushing him away. Losing him forever.

”I” Dean didn't know what to say, he couldn’t be happy with Cas but Sam could. The broken pleading in Cas’s voice told him he had to let them be happy even if it hurt him ”No Cas. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be the guy that is too selfish that he stands in the way of your happiness. I don’t want to push you away either. I am not selfish enough to hold you back. I will let you go. I promise. I just don’t want to lose you Cas. You can tell Sam you like him. ”

Dean looks at him one last time with love, a love he will shove down to the depths of his mind. Never allowing it to resurface again, because Cas deserves to be happy and his brother deserves to be happy too. He looks away again, at least Cas will still be here. At least they can still be friends. Maybe one day this gaping hole in his chest will finally close. 

”Sam?” Cas tilts his head. Why would Dean think, everything was clearly about him? ”I don't like Sam”

”Yes you do” Dean spits bitterly, tears welling up in his eyes again, “Don’t pity me Cas. I know your stupid list is about him”.

Cas clenches his teeth together miffed by Dean’s anger ”no you are wrong Dean. I don’t pity you. The list is about you”

”But” he stutters, “you said, I'm not smart or compassionate. I am a grunt and a killer. I am not worth it.”

All the anger disappears from Cas in an instant as takes Dean’s face in his hands, “Dean you are one of the most intelligent men I have ever met. You may not have gone to college like your brother but that doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You solve cases everyday Dean. You care about people and show them kindness. Helping people and saving them. You Dean Winchester are so much more than a grunt, and you are not a killer. I know you Dean, more than I have ever known anyone in my entire existence. Your soul burns brighter than any soul I have ever seen. You are worthy, if anyone should be at question for their worthiness it should be me. So yes my list is about you, and everything in it is true. Everything I love about you.”

”You love me?” Dean asks in disbelief. The words from Cas’s speech resounding in his head crushing all the doubt, and anguish that existed moments ago. Relenting against even some of his deepest age’s old voices from his father and from himself that play on repeat. 

”I love you” Cas repeats, the room around them melting only their two souls connecting in the room. All the voices grew silent. Only those three words existing in his mind with his angel’s speech. For a moment all the pain is lost. 

”I” Dean tries. Instead, he pulls Cas into himself, all his love for the angel caressed into Cas’s mouth with the touch of their lips. His lips tracing the words for him.

”I know Dean, I know” 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this is a lot longer that I intended it to be.


End file.
